How to survive the horror season

Every year, with the arrival of October and Halloween, comes a mirade of psychopathic killers and the idiotic, horny teenagers that they love to slay. It’s a tradition as old as time. Now whether you love or hate horror movies, you’ve definitely bemoaned the foolish acts of its characters. We’ve all said, “No! Don’t go down into the basement” or “Why would you guys split up? That’s so stupid”.  Why do we shout these things at characters who can’t hear us and, even if they could hear us, wouldn’t bother listening? Because we think we know better – we think we would survive. We’ve all bragged to our friends about what we would have done differently; but have we ever thought about what we would need to survive? Besides common sense and the wisdom to know that playing with Ouiji boards is a huge no-no; I’m talking about supplies, equipment, weapons. What would you bring along with you in the apocalypse?

man_crates_

That’s the question the good people at MAN CRATES have posed to me. MAN CRATES is this awesome company that is striving to create gifts not only for men but also by men! MAN CRATE supplies a host of great manly packages from Whisky kits to – believe it or not – Zombie Apocalypse survival kits. All of MAN CRATES’ products are shipped in crates that can only be opened by a crowbar (it doesn’t get more manly than that). So MAN CRATES asked me what I would want in my crate and after some careful consideration, I came up with five essential items for surviving any horror movie, whether it be the classic teen slasher, the zombie apocalypse or any other mass murdering spree a creature from the beyond decides to embark on.

You may be wondering why I only went with five items if I could bring anything along? Well, in horror movies, less is always more. Carrying less supplies means less things to keep track of, less things to maintain and –  most importantly –  increased running speed because you aren’t carrying the entire hunting section of the local store on your back. So, without further ado, here’s my list:

  1. Machete

ON6520n

Weapons are going to be key in the fight for survival. While most people would choose a gun, I think a cutting tool is much more practical – there’s no need to reload this, you’ll never run out of ammo (as long as you have enough arm strength for a swing) and it requires no skill. Everyone can hack away at something, so you don’t need to learn how to shoot or how to use a bow and arrow. Sure you lose the versatility of long-range kills but you gain the added advantage of stealth – never underestimate the efficacy of a quiet kill during a horror movie. Also, machetes can double up as tools for clearing foliage, cutting food and when combined with a flint can make a handy tool for making fire.

  1. A First AID Kit

First_aid_19

I know what you’re thinking, boring choice right? WRONG! In your journey of fighting whatever threat is bringing the apocalypse and, more likely, running away from threats, you’re going to pick up minor cuts, scrapes and bruises. Now while these seem pretty minor, wait until one of those cuts gets infected. Next thing you know you’re losing a leg to gangrene and if you think it was tough running away before that, you’ve got another thing coming. Proper wound care is vital. Moreover horror movie characters often have some health affliction that slows them down or makes them loud and, therefore, an easier target. So make sure you have an asthma pump, antihistamines, snake antivenom and insulin handy. Yes, you might not have asthma or allergies or even diabetes but, trust me, once you’re thrown into a horror movie, you’ll develop one of these terrible clichés.

  1. Rechargeable Flashlight

t4-rechargeable-tactical-led-flashlight-t4qm-hb0

As you traverse the dangers of the new-found hell you used to call your old neighbourhood, you’ll have to spend plenty of time creeping through darkened parking structures, abandoned homes and derelict buildings. You’re going to need a source of light and regular AA batteries aren’t going to last long enough to ensure survival. Make sure you get yourself one of those wind-up torches or a flashlight that can recharge using solar power (assuming the apocalypse isn’t caused by some demon that blocks out the sun)

  1. Flint

magnesium-flint-fire-091111-01

Did you ever watch Survivor? I used to be a huge fan and one of the basic principles they spouted out every season was that, “fire is life” and they could not be more right. Plenty of the creatures that go bump in the night are afraid of fire – it’s even Freddy Kruger’s weakness. I’m a fan of tools that serve multiple purposes and fire is one of the most versatile. It can keep you warm, keep you safe, purify your water, cook your food, provides light if you lose your flashlight and, if you make a campfire, provides an ideal setting for you to brood over the decline of society and how you’ve lost everything and everyone you ever loved.

  1. Portable Water Purification Kit

51PgImO693L

Are you ready to drink your own urine? Well chances are you better be. This is probably the most important item in my crate. You can survive a while without food, without weapons, even without fire but without water, your body will literally shut down. You’re going to need to stay hydrated but good quality water sources aren’t guaranteed. You may find water but it may be contaminated (with whatever toxin caused mankind to become feral creatures of the night) or just plain old diseases like cholera. You do not want to be fighting a supernatural apocalypse while fighting a supernatural urge to go to the bathroom, trust me on this one.

So that’s a list of things I’d put in my survival crate. I’ve been rather conservative because I plan to be a scavenger who avoids trouble and forages for supplier; but perhaps you want to be a hero who takes the enemy on head-on. Would you take more weapons? More food? Comment below with your choices and try to limit it to things that would fit into a crate. Ideally I’d take a tank but that would ruin the fun of trying to survive and can you imagine how much I’d have to pay on shipping?
Advertisements

3 thoughts on “How to survive the horror season

  1. Wow! Outstanding post!!! Definitely geared towards a zombie apocalypse, though. If you’re stuck in a slasher movie, you’re only allowed to bring alcohol and weed. It’s a law.

    Like

  2. Love this! If I were stuck in a horror film with you I’d feel safe knowing you had your head screwed on. I, however, would be the one who would go into the basement and be killed in the dark corner for my corpse to reappear 3 scenes later tied to a tree. Great post!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s